How to Talk to Someone Who Is Suicidal

Suicide is preventable and anyone can be in the position to help someone who is contemplating ending their life.  A person contemplating suicide is testing the world to see if anyone cares about them.  Often people believe that preventing a suicide requires professional expertise (e.g. psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, or other counselor), but really anyone can do it.  Recognizing the warning signs for suicide is a first and very important step.  For example, you may notice a change in a loved one’s behavior (e.g. withdrawing), an increase in substance use, or a preoccupation with dying. Language often gives a clear indicator when suicide is being considered. For example, they may start talking openly about death saying, “Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like without me.” Or they may become fatalistic, saying, “I don’t think I can live like this anymore.”  Or they may verbalize their isolation by saying something like, “I feel trapped and no one can hear me” or “Nobody gets me and I feel so alone!”

When starting the conversation, be direct. You can say something like, “It seems like you haven’t been yourself lately. What’s changed?” or “What’s going on?  What’s bothering/upsetting/troubling you?” or “What’s changed for you at home/at school/at work?”

Yes-and-no questions are very effective. The question that you are most afraid to ask is probably the best one!  Ask directly, “Are you thinking about killing yourself/ending your life?”  If the answer is ‘yes,’ DO NOT leave them alone (they may run off)!  Flag down someone and ask them to stay close by.  You may need their help contacting an emergency response team.  If you have to go and find someone, take the loved one with you.

Become calm and inquisitive. Ask more detail about their plan (it may be totally irrational, but that’s not the concern here).  DO NOT say, “No! Committing suicide is not an option/out of the question!” or “Killing yourself is a sin against God!”  These will simply alienate you from the loved one because they might think you’re judging them (they might shut down).  Instead ask exploratory questions like, “How do you plan to do it/go about it?  Where will you do it?  When? Are you going to leave a note?  What will it say?  To whom will it be addressed?  What is the reason for killing yourself?” (Note that you are NOT asking “Why do you want to kill yourself?” The “why” question drives the person into analysis of their thinking, which is not useful in a crisis situation). Get more specifics, for instance, “From where will you get the pills/gun/rope/razor blades necessary to end your life?  How will you get to the bridge/building/cliff where you will jump?  Which freeway/street will you run into traffic?  When will the house be empty so you can carry out your plan?” You will be surprised with how forthcoming they will be with information.

The time now is to demonstrate to this person that YOU are the one who cares for them. Show them unconditional concern for the preservation of their life and the importance they are to you, even if you hardly know them. If you come through, you can save their life!